i spent a day in silence.
how does one write about silence?
silence of the heart can be a sad thing.
i am sure that there is a silence that is pleasing to God: the silence of a tall tree, the silence of a hand…
i have way too many words in me. sometimes that’s terribly painful. so, after a silent day, i thought that i’d write a little. i think i’ll write about silence.
i had been still and quiet for several hours today when God said, “Listen to this song.” i thought about the song that He suggested. i sang it in my mind. i told Him that i didn’t want to listen to it because i didn’t understand it, so what could it do for me? what could it do for Him? what could it mean?
after another half hour of silence, i stood up heavily and walked to my car to get the CD and then downstairs to get my CD player. slogging back to the chair facing out the upstairs living room window, i sat down heavily again and, after a long sigh, turned on the song. i listened to it for a few moments and then turned it off. what was the point?
i had been in prayer all day, asking God about my life and my future – how He wanted to use me, how He wanted me to be, where He wanted me. all that i had heard from Him in the midst of our hours-long conversation was two words, “Silence “and “Stillness.” i asked Him a lot about silence and He didn’t answer my questions. then, He wanted me to listen to a song that i couldn’t comprehend.
sometimes i feel entrapped in silence. i have so many words to say and so little time to either speak or be comprehended. God must feel that way, too.
i gave Him a day for speaking to me. He said two words and i spent most of the rest of the day asking Him, “what did You mean?”
God has literally countless words to say. i give Him little bits of time which i set aside for hearing Him. today, all He said was two words and i was already confounded. He must feel extremely sad!
one of the most painful things we can go through is silence from God. lately, i have realized that God has been teaching me the Pain of Silence. He has caused me to meet with the silence of others when my heart has longed to hear a word, and He has placed me in situations where i have fountains of words to say and no one to listen to and understand them.
what is the point of the Pain of Silence?
it’s not that God hasn’t been talking to me these days. He hasn’t been silent: He’s caused me to encounter a silent world. and it hurts.
so, Lord, why are You doing this? what are You saying?
the song that God had me listen to today says, “open to me the gates of righteousness and i will go through them.” what gates have i gone through today? have i gone through any?
Yeshua was silent before His accusers. He held His tongue a lot amidst His twelve disciples. His Father was silent towards Him for several hours in a time of great need. Yeshua knew the Pain of Silence very, very well.
while i was listening to the song, God finally answered one of my much-repeated questions of the day, “how, when and where do You want to use me?” His answer was, ”Where, when and how I want to use you! I must be doing it.” He wasn’t about to give me a game plan. He was insisting that i wait for Him to use me rather than following some plan that seemed to fit His uses for me.
i am tired. that’s what i get for trying to comprehend things beyond my understanding! that’s what i get for having my own agenda! i am tired!
what does that song mean, “open to me the gates of righteousness”? what the heck does that really mean? (am i supposed to know right now??) i haven’t a clue. yeah, i could research it in the Bible and look it up in commentaries ask people wiser than me; i’d prefer to hear about it straight from God, while i’m listening to Him, right now. but what He says when i ask Him is that He has a plan for using me and that He won’t tell me His plan just yet, not even one tiny bit of it.
so, God, what are You saying to me? what are the “gates of righteousness”? can i really go through them of my own accord?
i think back on Psalm 118, “Open for me the gates of righteousness; I will enter and give thanks to the Lord. This is the gate of the Lord through which the righteous may enter. I will give You thanks, for You answered me; You have become my salvation.” if He hadn’t saved me, i couldn’t enter those gates, whatever they truly represent.
so, Lord, what are You saying to me?
perhaps following God isn’t a matter of doing. perhaps it’s something to be entered.
what does this have to do with silence? i keep trying and trying and trying to exit silence. that may be alright: people were created with the deep desire to be seen and understood. i was created with a deep desire to see and to understand others. so how do i live with this thing called Silence, as painfully heavy as it is to me? will there ever be a time in my life that won’t feel intolerably Silent? do i need to learn to continuously bear the Pain of Silence? will it be a heavy burden to me until i die?
i don’t know the answer to those questions. maybe it’s not time for me to ask them.
people are talking in the next room. the house is no longer quiet. regardless of the words that are being spoken or not being spoken, people i live with are not utterly silent, and i am not utterly silent to them. i should give thanks for a world without utter silence and for a God Who is not utterly silent even though i can’t understand Him.
that’s the Pain of Silence: it’s not understanding God.
thank You, Lord, that one day I will truly hear You and comprehend all that You say!
i am sad for You that i hear you so little now and that i understand so little of what You say and think and feel! i don’t even understand what You’re doing! i don’t understand what You will do!
take me through the gates of righteousness!
