The other day I composed a 2 ½ year plan for returning to full time work. I have been on disability for ten years. I have needed it. Now I think it’s God’s timing that I ease my way back into the workforce.
I volunteer at CARE Packaging. It’s not easy for me. I am typically overwhelmed at the end of my few hours of volunteering. But I love doing it. I look forward to working again. It will be tremendous. I am ecstatic that I might have the capacity to do it.
In the meantime as I ponder these things, God seems to be confirming my hopes. He even seems to be telling me that I will teach physics some day. He seems to be saying that He has good purposes in all of my endeavors to work.
In spite of all of that, I have self-doubt. I find myself thinking about Martha and Mary. My fear is that I will turn into a Martha. I am enough like Martha already – it’s hard for me to stop doing and just be. Will I be able to work like Martha and yet also to listen like Mary? Will the Martha in me be able to stop when God wants her attention? Will my mind be capable of slowing down and being still before God?
2 Samuel 22:37 says: “You lengthen the steps I can take, yet my ankles do not turn.” I am believing that God will enable me to work. I am expecting that He will have a niche for me in the workforce which will accommodate any limitations I may still have. But will He enable my mind to glorify Him and cling to Him? Will I turn into a Martha?
I think it may be a fight for me. As I write that, I wonder why God would ever want me to have to fight to stop to be with Him. He seems to have put me into a position where I have to fight, at this point. His purposes don’t seem to be served by me having the easy way right now…
As I said, I think that He wants me to end up teaching. I don’t know why He would privilege me with that role. It is exciting to me. But will I still be teachable? Will I work in an unspiritual way? My mind is so limited right now! Will I lose touch with God while I engage in tasks and projects?
Ah, the self-doubts, the worries I have about whether God will preserve and nurture my relationship with Him! My faith tells me that God will work all of this out so that it is possible for me to please Him. He will create something good. I must repeat that to myself. He has emphasized it to me. Somehow I need to trust Him.
It doesn’t always feel good to be a believer. It’s not always warm and fuzzy. We don’t always feel connected to God. Sometimes life feels mechanical. I often feel mechanical.
Why would God make me this way? Why would he let me be this way? I have some capabilities which please Him, I think – like my analytical skills – even though my strengths can be my weaknesses. Yes, I fight to not be mechanical. But my mind can glorify God when it works the way He designed it to work.
I am tired now. I often get very tired lately. Volunteering can be draining. But God will lengthen the steps I can take. I hope and I pray for a life that pleases my God.
